Are you excited?

"I know!!! I get asked that all the time!" Hilary said. "How do you answer?" 


"I mostly say, 'yes.'" I replied. "Especially when I don't have time to explain." 


Hilary leaves for Tanzania five hours before my flight for Phnom Penh leaves. She's going through Village Schools International (an organization that is trying to meet the needs of the 752,000 children who will never get a chance to go to secondary school) and will be in Africa teaching English for four months.  


Are you excited?


I told Hilary that it's difficult for me to answer because I'm not really excited. I'm definitely looking forward to moving to Cambodia and beginning a new chapter. But I'm not jumping up and down, screaming in anticipation like for a long-awaited crush I've been longing to see. The thing is, part of me is actually screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU LEAVING???" This past month has been one of the best times I've had in a long while. My family is reunited, I have a niece who is learning how to speak, my brother and sister-in-law are pregnant with their second child, I had one of the biggest breakthroughs with some of the girls in my youth group, I have met new friends, I have felt so much support and love from my community, and I have just felt full inside and out. Stuffed. But I know that a major factor is that this goodness-saturated month has a lot to do with me leaving and I've been soaking up every moment I can. 


I hesitate on the word excited because the last time I lived in Cambodia it was one of the most difficult seasons of life. I know that if I leave here only anticipating the highs, it will be harder for when there are the lows. I know that I'm called to go and I don't regret going and I am truly looking forward to this new adventure. But I've struggled with letting my anxiety engulf my excitement. I know how difficult it can be. Kind of like a really close friend or significant other where you know all their flaws and shortcomings but you're making a commitment to stick with them. But that's not an attitude I want to have. 


At this point I think my mindset is in the right place. I've decided to let God be in control (phew).  The countdown is just under one week. I'm overwhelmed with all the faces I need to say goodbye to and all the packing I still need to do. It will be an adventure. After all, it's not an adventure if nothing goes wrong.