Beginnings

Airplane.
Flooded rice fields and the murky redish-brown Mekong River covered the landscape as I stared out the airplane window. This was it. I had to decide. How did I feel? I felt anxious and apprehensive and? I was tired of trying to box up my feelings so I just prayed as I watched palm trees and houses pass by. God help me to love this country but more importantly, help me to love people.
I stepped off the aircraft and felt the humidity surround me. This is home.

Sisters.
There are four girls I met in person for the first time last Friday. We share a a living space together, we split chores, we eat meals together. We share my parents. We share a home. I'm still getting used to referring to mom and dad as just "mom and dad" and not "my mom and dad". Rachel, Tirot, Pahnette, and Samedi each have a unique story and I look forward to the days of when home feels incomplete when someone's missing from the dinner table.

Dust.
On books, desks, DVDs, keyboards, the floor, chairs, everywhere. Leave a notebook on a desk for a few days and it's collected a thick film of dust. We mop the house a couple times a week. We wash our feet two or three times a day. It's either a dusty home or a stuffy home. We choose dust.

Dawn.
I am not a morning person. I have jet lag to thank for getting me up to see a few sunrises. I've been enjoying the silent early mornings. I come to the study room next to my and Samedi's bedroom and have some alone time with the fan blowing on me. I read, pray, and check my email. It's also a good time to upload photos because the internet is faster. One of my goals this past spring/summer was to watch a sunrise. $660 later I'm able to cross it off my to-do list.

Rain.
It rains almost every day. Usually not as hard as seen in the video. We welcome the cool air after the rainfall. You can't always tell from the gray clouds whether or not the skies will bless the dusty earth with rainfall. You can feel the wind pick up and smell it in the air just before the first drops fall. Usually I would dread rainfall if I had to cross town on a moto but the other day I sat on the back of a moto taxi and couldn't help feeling the opposite.

Are you excited?

"I know!!! I get asked that all the time!" Hilary said. "How do you answer?" 


"I mostly say, 'yes.'" I replied. "Especially when I don't have time to explain." 


Hilary leaves for Tanzania five hours before my flight for Phnom Penh leaves. She's going through Village Schools International (an organization that is trying to meet the needs of the 752,000 children who will never get a chance to go to secondary school) and will be in Africa teaching English for four months.  


Are you excited?


I told Hilary that it's difficult for me to answer because I'm not really excited. I'm definitely looking forward to moving to Cambodia and beginning a new chapter. But I'm not jumping up and down, screaming in anticipation like for a long-awaited crush I've been longing to see. The thing is, part of me is actually screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU LEAVING???" This past month has been one of the best times I've had in a long while. My family is reunited, I have a niece who is learning how to speak, my brother and sister-in-law are pregnant with their second child, I had one of the biggest breakthroughs with some of the girls in my youth group, I have met new friends, I have felt so much support and love from my community, and I have just felt full inside and out. Stuffed. But I know that a major factor is that this goodness-saturated month has a lot to do with me leaving and I've been soaking up every moment I can. 


I hesitate on the word excited because the last time I lived in Cambodia it was one of the most difficult seasons of life. I know that if I leave here only anticipating the highs, it will be harder for when there are the lows. I know that I'm called to go and I don't regret going and I am truly looking forward to this new adventure. But I've struggled with letting my anxiety engulf my excitement. I know how difficult it can be. Kind of like a really close friend or significant other where you know all their flaws and shortcomings but you're making a commitment to stick with them. But that's not an attitude I want to have. 


At this point I think my mindset is in the right place. I've decided to let God be in control (phew).  The countdown is just under one week. I'm overwhelmed with all the faces I need to say goodbye to and all the packing I still need to do. It will be an adventure. After all, it's not an adventure if nothing goes wrong.