slightly used and bitter

As I pulled into the Albertson's parking lot my eyes were drawn to a lady standing in front of the store with her glasses halfway down her nose and tilting her head so she could see over her glasses. She was African American, had a large build and was holding a couple plastic bags. What drew my attention to this lady was her peculiar no-shame stare. For a moment I thought she was waiting for someone but then she stopped a young man and asked him something. He shook his head and walked away. I figured she must be asking people for money. She was profiling people and not in a subtle way (if I could tell from across the parking lot, she wasn't being subtle). 


I parked my van and dreaded having to pass her because I knew she was profiling me as I walked toward her. Sure, ask the girl in amiable looking church attire. She stopped me. 


"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"I'm going to be honest with you. Can I have some bus money?"
"Uh..."
"Look, I'm going to be honest. I don't have the money. There was a cop on the bus something something bus driver something something cop it's for the bus. I'm being honest with you."


My mind quickly racked up how I should respond. I couldn't use my usual excuse that I didn't have any cash on me because I had specifically taken a stack of quarters to use for change that morning. Then I thought about her circumstance and remembered how I used to take the bus and how horrible it was when I was short on bus fare. 


She waited for my response and gazed at me over her glasses frames. My eyes darted down to her bags and I saw that she had been shopping at the Dollar Tree. 


"Sure," I said. And pulled out some change. 
"It's $2.75," she said as I placed the quarters in her hand. "Thank you." 
"You're welcome." 


After our exchange I entered the store and she came behind me saying something about how it was hot and she needed a drink. It was a warm day, I told myself. And then I saw her head straight for the Tully's inside the store. I tried to dismiss the fact that she probably just scammed me into getting her an iced drink. Maybe she had a gift card...but it was odd that she decided to get a drink right after I had handed her some cash...

---

Salad mix in hand I walked out of Albertson's and saw Glasses Lady walking toward my direction sipping on and iced drink. We passed. I did not look pleased. She said thank you again and I mumbled something that sounded like "you're welcome." I pulled out in my van and saw her now standing behind the wall in front of the enterance, but she was still partially visible. She stopped another kind looking fellow and right then I rolled down my window and yelled, "Don't give her any money! She's lying! She just used my money to buy herself a drink!" 

I didn't actually say anything. I just drove away. 

---

I think in Heaven "I'm being honest with you" would mean, "I'm thirsty, would you mind buying me a nice cold iced drink, Kira? And maybe spare me some change for the bus too?" And I would give Glasses Lady some bus change and buy her a drink. And I would do it out of joy and not feel burdened. 

stuck in my head

An older song, but new to me. 

Journey's End

* Don't watch / read this until you've seen the movie Inception.  
You know how after a long trip and you open the door to your home and everything smells the same, everything feels the same, like you've never really left? Like somehow your journey took place on a different timeline and somehow it only feels like you've been gone for a day? There's that moment when you feel different and you know you'll adjust but things just aren't the same yet. 


I watched Inception for the second time recently. At the very end, right after the climax, when Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio's character) awakens on the airplane, there's a moment when Cobb looks around and has to adjust to reality. DiCaprio did a spectacular job at capturing what that moment feels like. Unlike Cobb, I don't jump in and out of people's subconscious for years and years but when I saw that scene again I was drawn into DiCaprio's acting and could relate to that feeling. 

I immediately associated it to reverse culture shock.  It's like carrying around an invisible pack. Sometimes the transition is smooth and sometimes it's rough and emotionally taxing but it's something only you experience. Others can sympathize but no one else can fully relate to the experience you had. Even fellow travelers must part ways and cannot continue to share a past experience in the same way. You must readjust to your own life and the period of transition spurns introspection that is intimate and unique to only you. Eventually the readjustment happens and there is no more transition and no more pack to speak of.

Anyway, watch 0:00 to 1:10 (a less choppier version here). 

Finally.

I am moving to Cambodia. I am moving to Cambodia. 


The story begins a long time ago, but for time's sake (and to save you from boredom) I'll start in college. Back in college before I even knew what occupation I wanted to pursue, I knew that I was going to live overseas. My first year in college, a representative from the JET Program (Japan Exchange Teaching Program) visited my British Literature class and shared a short presentation about teaching English in Japan. It was a rather short presentation and simple. But something stirred within me that afternoon. What a novel idea! Teach the English language abroad. Overseas. I could do that. I would enjoy that. Shortly thereafter I changed my concentration to TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language) and changed the direction of my college career. And loved it.


Throughout my college years I talked about going to Japan and South Korea but I was open to any country. Cambodia was not on my mind at the time (I could not see myself living there long-term. No, sir. Maybe I'll elaborate in another post). In 2008 I traveled with one of my best friends (Katrina) and her sister (Cassandra) to Singapore, Nepal, and Cambodia. Of the many important things I learned and realized on this trip two important realizations were: I wanted to work in a third world country and it would most likely be in Asia.


Since graduating in 2009 I have been waiting for God to open doors for me to begin this new season of life. In 2010 I traveled to China for two weeks and helped run an English teacher's workshop (going on this trip was a miracle in itself!). For a while I was convinced that I was going to be living in China but the burden to go to Cambodia was softly pressing on my heart. After many months of praying and waiting on God's timing my heart was fully set on Cambodia. I've been waiting a long time for this. Friends, the door has opened. I am moving to Cambodia!


There are a lot of different opportunities available and as I count down the days, hopefully I'll have a clearer picture of what my days will look like in Phnom Penh. I do know this: I need to learn the language (I can speak but I'm illiterate) and I'll start with a paying job either full time or part time in a school. I also want to volunteer directly through a church or an NGO. I'll be living with my parents (yay for free room and board!) for the first few months as I adjust, settle, and begin this new season of life. Oh and I get to meet my new sisters in person, finally! :) 

(L to R: Tirot, Pahnette, Makaria, Rachel, Samedi, Vanny, and Jeff)